Another baby

Another baby?

Well I find myself over a month late. It is a possibility that I could be pregnate again. Do I want to be? No. Why would I? I am happy with Dalton. I shouldn't be able to be pregnate. I took a test last night and it said that I wasn't. So why this entry then? I am too late for it to just be changing. I am also afriad that there might be something wrong with me. What do I do then? I wish I knew. The only thing that I can do is go to the doctor once I get home. I really hope that it won't be another 2 months before I can get an appointment. Thats how it generally happens when I try to go see a doctor.
Either way, I can't do it alone.
If I am pregnate and it was just a false negative, then I will end up being on bed rest again. I will also end up getting another c-section. Then I won't even be able to drive myself for weeks. I won't even be able to lift a clothes basket for a while.
If I am not pregnate and there is something wrong with me. I just may have a break down. I am not sure how I will be able to handle it.
Is this suppossed to be another defining moment in life for me?

Friendships ended.

After you lose a friend or end a friendship there is a void. Its like you have lost apart of you. Just that something that helped you know a little more about yourself. It seems weird to never talk to that person again. Knowing that you were the one who choose to walk away. That doesn't make it any easier. It just makes it harder.
What was I suppossed to do though? I really didn't have a choice did I? Well I did. I think I am making the right one. I know that in the end I will end up without either.
What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

Virden

Virden is the town I moved to at the end of my junior year. So I spent 2 months top at a new school before my Senior year began. Not a good senior year for my in some aspects. I missed the friends I had gone to school with for years dearly. I did make new friends in this place that I deem my Prision. I hated it here, I still do to an extent. Atleast I have gotten passed trying to fit in here. This town is full of rich hicks. I come from a middle class family. I never drove a Mustang as my first car. Then get drunk one night and total it, just to have my parents buy me a new one. My first car was a hand me down from my dieing grandfather. These people I graduated with had no respect for anything, it was all given to them. They all wore Ambercrombie and Fitch. I couldn't afford that on the checks I was making. So I just didn't fit in around here. I wasn't fine with that at first, because I was in my senior year and wanted friends to spend it with. Thankfully I was only an hour away from my hometown. So it was easy to spend time with my real friends, although that didn't make going to school any easier. I am glad that I did move here though. I am almost positive that if I had stayed in Decatur I wouldn't have graduated. It was easy to skip class there with over 1000 people in my class. In Virden there was only 61 people in my class, so I was noticed when I went missing. That is only the one true blessing I can think of that happened when I moved to Virden. My brother Jason seems to fit in well here. Tim seems to have the same problems I did here, but only his are far more worse then mine. He has problems socializing with people, but this is getting off topic.

Spic and Span

Well this entry is about Rachel. I have known her since the bowlign alley. Although I do not remember that night well as it was years and years ago. We had one friend in common in highschool, Liz. Yes I failed to mention her on my friends blog for my own reasons. Now is not the time to go into her though.
Back to the bowling alley, I believe she came with Liz to one of our bowling nights or was it a party. I am not quiet sure. I do remember the clouds from that night though. *smile* Its an inside joke. This was our sophmore year in highschool. She went to my rival higschool. I do remember meeting her at Dairy Queen though. She started working there sometime after me though. We became work friends there. She nicknamed me Spic. I liked to hide the Spic and Span at the end of the night so that I could use it..it tended to dissapear when I needed it to clean. I also liked to spray people with it. I am soo evil. *smile*
During our time as coworkers we became friends, close friends. We have shared many good times together. Too many to name here. We have also shared our fair share of inside jokes. :)
Rachel has seen me through the majority of ruff pacthes in my life. I would go into more detail, but I do not feel like it at this time.
The point is, is that she is like the sister I never had. She is my best friend, my role model, my guiding light.

Tattoo

Can you tell me what it says?

Falling in Love

Wise men say only fools rush in
but I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
some things are meant to be
take my hand, take my whole life too
for I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
some things are meant to be
take my hand, take my whole life too
for I can't help falling in love with you
for I can't help falling in love with you

Ok, this song reminds me of me and my husband.We knew eachother 4 months before agreeing to get married. No he did not propose to me. I did it. Damn my strong willed ways. No rings were ever bought...by him. I bought him a wedding band. The ones that I wear I have paid for also. This is getting a little off topic though.
I am just unsure of where I stand with how I feel for him right now. He is the father of my son, he is my husband. I must love him, right? If I am supposed to why can't he make my heart stop like it use to? I know that as time progresses so does eveything else. I just find it hard admit that we can be head over heals in love with eachother one day and then the next its just different. Its as if it was never really there. I know it was, I can look at old pictures of us and see the looks in our eyes. The old feeling isn't there though. It feels more like a business agreement to me. I do my wifely duties and then I collect the check. I am the one who worries about the bills. I am the one who worries about Dalton.
What I do know is that I can not go back to how I was living before he left for Iraq. I will not go back to being that way. I can not just sit here all day and watch Dalton. It is a great life, but I need something more.
I will never marry someone again only after six months. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.

Please excuse the poetry below. I was rereading some of my old pomems today and I felt like putting them on here.

Almost A Phantom

barely breathing

not even seeing

almost a phantom

is how i live

laying here next to you

your body keeps me warm

taunting me

for i can no longer give you

what runs you

almost a phantom

here i lay

half alive

but mostly dead

If Only

if only

was the promise you gave to me

if only

is the thing that i dream of

if only

is what i live with

knowing that you feel the same way makes

if only worth it

it only

is what you say

if only

we can be that way

if only

we were that way

if i had meet you first

only then could we be

if only...

Kids

Well Dalton is not my first pregency. I have been pregante 4 times out of those four times I have only had one child. The first time was in highschool with Joe. I never told my parents. My mother would have skinned me alive. I had an abortion. I had no choice. I couldn't give a baby a home. I could barely keep the home I was in.
The only other person to get me pregnate is my husband. The first two times didn't work out so well for us. The first time we didn't even know I was pregante untill it was too late. Thats life sometimes though. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. The second time we new about it. I was not that far along, about 12 weeks. I wasn't in the same sate as he was at the time. I was home visiting family. Now that I think about it it never happened when we were near each other. Then the last time produced my beautiful son that I am very grateful for.

My Husband.

I met him in the Army. we rushed into marriage after being together only 6 months. We have one child together although it should be more. My feelings towards him are confusing at the moment. I know that I am suppossed to love him. I do, I just wish that things were different between us. Thats life though.

He is an only child. He was raised differently that I was. He thinks things should be done for him. He doesnt' realize that things are not handed to you. For that reason it makes things hard at times.

He likes to believe that I didn't have a life before him. Everytime it is mentioned or someting new is found out about me, he get angry at me. It is one of the things that pisses me off the most. How do you ignore the past? I don't live in it. I just like to rmember why I am who I am at times.

He lied to me when we were first together. I didn't find out untill after we were married. He thinks that it was a good lie. I don't. A lie is a lie.

I was tempted to divorce him before he left. I am not sure if he realizes this, but I was so close.

Friends

Last night I wrote about my family. I still have more to tell on them, and will. Now I have my friends to write about. I think that the easiest way to do this is to write about them in the order that they came into my life.

Jaclyn, is 3 years younger then me. She lived across the street from me for years. She is like the sister that I have lost contact with. I meet her when she was in kindergarden. We hit it off right away. I should call her dad to see how she is doing. I think I may just do that.

The next major people in my life I didn't meet untill I was in Highschool, Shannon(Schimidty Girl) and Julie. They saw me through some pretty deep shit in my life. Through the years I have lost contact with them. Shannon helped me find myself. Julie, there is lot to say about her, but I still have a few more people to mention here.

Joe, my first love, came into my life next. I still talk to him sometimes. Well I did for most of this year, we lost contact a few months back. He has his own family now, as I have mine.

Thor (tony) is the one of the people who saw me through the mess with Joe. He was there for me at our last breakup. It happened at his house. Joe found marks on my arms and said he was through. Thor stood up for me, but it didn't do any good, it was over by then.

Josh I meet in highschool. I still talk to him sometimes. Not as much as I would like, but we still talk. If I wasn't with my husband, I would be with him. Josh doesn't approve of alot of the things I have done in my life, but he was still there for me when thigns fell apart. I sometimes wish that I had choosen Josh over the life that I did, then I think of my beautiful son and I can't regret a thing.

Rach is next, she is like the sister I never had. I still talk to her untlike the rest. On one of her blogs she says that I am her hero, I feel the same way about her. She is the one of the last people that knows me by Spic, and knows what it means. Our sons are a month apart. She is my bestfriend, has been for years. She is my guiding light in life at the moment.

Kelsey, my first friend in Virden. I am glad that she was there. We had alot of fun. We are in the same position with both of our husbands being at "war" at the moment.

Then comes the friends I have made after highschool.

Steph, my battle buddy. I still talk to her every once and a while. I am happy that she has found someone to make her happy. Its hard not to mention the people I lived with for close to a year.

Jade, another army friend. She is out now, too. My husband and her husband were room mates at AIT. Thats how I met my husband, through her. She shared South Dakota with me, that was one of the best christmas I have ever had.

Josh, yes another Josh. Josh is my husbands cousin. He was my closest friend in New Mexico. I am glad that I met him. He let me pierce his ear when I was wasted. We stopped talking for awhile because his girlfriend thought that I was trying to take him from her. I was married to his cousin when this shit happened. She is the past though. We still talk.

Since then I haven't really made any friends. I've been sticking to my family. I should go out and try to create a new life or myself, but I can not bring myself to do it.

What doesnt kill you makes you stronger

To begin with I am a 21 year old mother, who's husband is in Iraq. I have been with my husband for 3 years now. We rushed into marriage after six months. Not my smartest choice, but not the stupidest thing I have done either.

Thats not the start of me though. No matter how much my husband would like to think that it is, I did live for 18 years before I met him. My life before him was up and down, in and out. There tended to be more bad then good. I am not bitter about it, I am grateful. For what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

My mother was an alcholic when I was growing up. My biological father was no where to be seen. I am glad that he wasn't otherwise I would have never had Wayne for a dad. Thats my one true blessing from my childhood.

I held a high distaste for my mother for years. It was hard for me to get her approval. I never got it untill afer I joined the army. When I was little her favortie thing to do was to hit and kick me. She never touched my brothers, just me. For that I can never forgive her. It lasted for years untill I got tired of it and fought back one day. Then it all changed, it just became more violent. For those who know my mom, know that she is not someone to be fucked with. I use to hate bringing friends over because I didn't want to let them see it. There were a few that have seen it. Wayne always told me to kick her ass in the knees next time she touched me. I could never bring myself to do that. The fights would have ended then and there. No matter how much we fought I could never bring myself to do it. It would have put her in the hospital. I did/do love her, she is my mother. The fights ended after the last major one. We broke the kitchen table. It was the last time she got really smashed and tried to start something with me. It was at the begining of my senior year. I will never forget it. She tried to say it was my trun for dishes, when I had just done them hours before. I went to go do them again, just to keep her quiet. She still came after me. So I shoved her onto the table and she threw the tea pot I had bought her for mothers day at me. I am not sure if she got hurt. I got in my car and just left home for a couple of days, staying at a friends house. Wayne knew where I was, so I wasn't that worried about it. Needless to say after I left my parents I got smashed trying to drink my problems away. I am more like her then I would like to admit. When I came home a couple days later, she had replaced the tea pot. Its no longer out on the shelf with the rest of them. She put it in the attic so that she wouldn't have to look at it. I wonder if she regrets it at all. We are close now. I will never find it within myself to find the strength to forgive her though.

My bilogical father, Jim, has never rally been in my life. He has been in my brothers life even less. I do have one memory of him, only one. I hate him with a passion for that. He came through Decatur one day and stopped by. When I got home from junior high, he was sitting there on the couch. He was gone the next day though. He promised my brothers that he would come back again to see them, he never did. That is the only reason I hold him in such distaste. It doesn't matter how much he hurt me, he broke Jason's heart. Jason use to be proud of him and want to join the army to be like him. Even though he never knew him. After that Jason let Wayne befriend him much easier. I can look at the pictures from that day and see the torture in Jim's eyes. I wish that he had never allowed Jason to meet him.

Then there is Wayne, my guiding light in all of this. He will never know how gratefull I am that he came into my life. Words can not express how I feel about him. For his 50th birthday I agreed to be adopted by him. I was 14 at the time, but by the time that the process ended I was 18. My brothers are not Webb's they are Clarkson's. Jason is one from his dry humor to his sarcastic nature. Tim is Tim, angry as ever. I feel sorrow for Wayne though. His biological daught disowned him when he married my mother. I can't stand to be in the smae room as her. even though we have been in the same room only two times in my life. The second time I almost broke her in half, but that story will come later.

Now there is my grandparents. I have many, all of them have passed on. Well all but one. Grandpa Carrol's health is begining to fail him though. My mothers parents, Grandpa Gene and Grandma Pat, are in a story themselves. I could write about them for hours and I will but I still have alot more to cover. My mother's grandparents I was blessed to know, Grandma Ruby, Grandma Sue, and Grandma Cristine. I had the oppertunity to take care of Grandma Sue the summer before my Sophmore year. I took it, it is a summer I will never forget. After I had to go back home to return to school, she died 2 weeks later. Wayne's parents treated us as if we were their grandchildren, Grandpa Carrol and Grandme Betty, I owe alot of my cooking abilities to her.

My brothers are Tim, Jason, Andrew, and Brad. I am the oldest of my biological family and was raised tht way. I am the middle child with everybody.

Tim is an angry person. There is alot to tell about him. I was blamed for him being put into a mental instution. Jason is like me in every way.

I am sorry but my hands are starting to cramp up. I will write more later.

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. . .